FET and me: An Information resource for IVF

The burning question.

When I started my IVF journey, I naively assumed that most people experiencing infertility would be my age, late-30s. I have learned that infertility impacts a wide range of ages, with many different causes for infertility. Although female infertility is widely discussed and accepted, the less talked about male factor infertility (MFI) is said to impact about 50% of men.

A question I have wrestled with has been how I should have approached fertility in my own life. Should someone – a doctor, auntie, friend, teacher, mentor – have gently told me in my younger years to think about fertility more seriously? Would that have been appropriate? I was busy following my dreams, on a path to creating a life I envisioned. I didn’t have time, energy, or the bandwidth to discuss children. I have thought about this a lot, and mourned the loss of a younger me being advised. As an infertility advocate, I am here now trying to impart some wisdom.

Female fertility peaks in your twenties, and starts to drop off around 32. Which is incredibly young! (Side note, I got married at 36.) How do we start having the fertility conversation prior to that? And not just with women. Men are half the equation, and should be included in the conversation. A place to start may be to have young people pause at some point, and ask where they see their life as adults. I know no one wants to think of children, I surely didn’t. But it would help to identify options for those who may want to preserve fertility. We are now at a place where fertility preservation is more widely available and more accessible than ever. If you even have the slightest idea that you may want a family, even though you have no idea who your partner will be or if you will raise a family with a partner, then you should consider a conversation around fertility preservation. And for women and men embarking on professional careers (doctor, lawyer, phds, or other high stress careers that take a few years to get footing), the seed should be planted early. It’s easy to put off, but worth consideration and planning. It should also be noted that while fertility preservation can be an insurance policy, it is not a guarantee.

Here are some thought bullets to get the fertility convo started:

• Talk to your PCP or Ob/Gyn about your general thoughts around starting a family. This can be done at your annual visit, but if you want a more detailed convo, then consider scheduling a “family planning” appointment. Discuss your feelings, hopes, and questions. It can be an exploratory conversation. Notably, females can freeze eggs and males can freeze sperm at any point in time (when still viable).
• Talk to your friends about how they view their future. Some people can be very sure of wanting a family, and that certainty is intriguing, especially when you are not sure what you may want.
• Talk to an older mentor (career, life) about how they viewed family planning at your age. A family member may fit that role too.
• Talk to a therapist. Mine was great at helping me work through my thoughts and arrive at a conclusion.
• Talk to anyone you trust. These conversations should not make you feel judged.
• You may feel silly bringing it up, but most people, especially those with families themselves, will be more than happy to discuss their challenges and joys. This also goes for talking about IVF – once you start sharing it, you get an outpouring of stories and support.
• Many professional schools or companies you may be looking at for employment may offer fertility benefits. Consider talking to a health clinic at that school, or the fertility companies themselves (someone in HR may be most helpful).
• Gather as much information as you can. You do not have to make any decisions quickly.
• If you are worried about cost, many insurances now include some form of fertility care. Some states mandate coverage! Which means some form of fertility care is covered BY LAW in that state or district. You might consider relocating to a state that has coverage for that type of medical care if it’s important enough to you.
• If you are scared of the topic of fertility, think about writing it down, and coming back to it. Or saving an hour over a weekend to think about it. It took me 2 years (and a therapist) to even approach the conclusion that I wanted to be a parent. Times have changed, and not everyone wants a family, and that is ok. But intentional thinking around what you want will help you land at the right decision. It may help prevent later roadblocks.
• Let’s collectively make the topic of fertility more approachable. In general, women’s health is taboo in society. Let’s talk about our challenges openly. Only then can effective change happen! You can experience infertility at any age, in any career, in any geographic location. It spares no one, and having support is so key. Especially from others in the community who just get it.
• Just like we take care of our physical health with exercise and emotional health with therapy, exploring our reproductive health and goals is key to looking out for future you.